Mi Vida Loca

What the hell is wrong with the American public? The two Presidential elections I've voted in so far, I've voted for the man I thought was best suited for the job. But this? A Black son of a muslim terrorist hugging civilian? I'm so disgusted! To have to survive four years under this regime. I thought things couldn't get worse. The man isn't even American, he doesn't even have an American name!
I'm going to get drunk, become a goddamn junkie and maybe attend a church with a racist minister...since apparently thats what it takes to win over the slovenly American public! Now I'm going to have to sit here and watch a Muslim hump the American dream and run this countries credibility into the dirt. Today, I'm ASHAMED to be an American. I'd rather spend another four years under the Resident Tax Man than this piece of mixed race shit.

I feel like I am more than three people lately.
There is "public Sarah" there is "Private Sarah" and there is "Dead Sarah" where I spent most of my mental time. Dead Sarah is the person that I am most of the time, the depressed days, the lazy days, the sleepless days. We've named her Xorah, a nobody from the World that never was. I feel trapped. I also feel chaotic. Trying to pull all three of me together to be one me, to be complete. I don't know how.

It's like this: everyone has this internal dialogue, this voice inside their heads that tell their story. I want my internal voice to be my outside voice. I think everyone has a story, and only a few of us are lucky enough to have the know how to make that internal voice, the one that sees beauty and truth-come forth and tell this story to the world. I know I have that talent. It just seems lately, Xorah is keeping me from grasping that talent.

The nightmares are back again. I had hoped that they would go away after the holidays. I hate not being able to sleep, because I am terrified of what my subconscious will show me. Most of the time, I don't remember my dreams. But sometimes, I am trapped in them, in a reality so real, that I think "I am dreaming, but this is too vivid, so I must be awake." The last one I remember, I was driving a motorcyle with Car in a blizzard, but we weren't cold, only annoyed at the weather. My mom was alive, I know that, though I never seen her in the dream. Car and I were getting gas, and going to a cemetary, I don't know which one or where, but we were going to bury Val.

My waking mind screamed in grief, I was physically pulled by grief. I have no idea how I can remember being nauseated in real life when I was still in the grips of the dream, but I was. I remember the mallet that I used to break ice on the tombstone, the shovel and the hacksaw. I remember being terrified that this was reality, and the reality that I knew was just some dream. A twisted but far preferable one than burying my little sister.

I feel nauseated just thinking about that. If you've never had a night terror, you wouldn't understand the physical effects of it. The confusion, the relief and the motion sickness. That's why I work the grave shift-thats why I OD every damn day on caffine, so I can't go to sleep. I'll stay awake three-four or five days at a time, just so I don't have to dream. But eventually, a body needs sleep-scientific fact yeah? But after three-five days of not sleeping, grueling punishment-you fall into something akin to a coma. That's why I get sick so much, it's all mental. I'm not strong enough, not mentally, not physically, to beat this thing called depression. That's why, I stay awake. Because when you are physically exhausted, you cannot dream.

That's enough of my confused ramblings for now. Going to play howrse, that should keep me awake for another hour or three.

I'm just at a low point I guess.
I'm so sick and tired of feeling like crap and I do most of the time. I'm still healing inside from the freakin surgery, sometimes I wish I hadn't gone through with it-more for the monetary reasons. Like I may not get medical assistance for my bills as I make "too much" money. I've been working for the casino for about six months so far this year and I have barely made $3500. Last year I worked for eight months and just got in over $6600. How is that too much? I don't have a dime to my name right now. I can't afford to buy a new tire for my car. I'm just so tired of being one of the working poor. My friend Jenny has 4 kids from 4 men, and she gets welfare and health coverage simply because she couldn't keep her legs shut! The person I went to for medical help said to me..."Our working adults are the ones who are cut off financially from our benifits..." lah de fucking dah lady. Working adult in NO WAY means financially independent! My dad invites me to supper every night, if he didn't, I would starve! I'm tired of struggling. I see all these coked out and cracked out girls with little babies who are addicts getting all this help from the government for food and clothing and medical...whereas I am a high school graduate, college student with a JOB and a clean police record and I can't get shit! I'm so frustrated. I'm seriously considering changing my name and identity to out run creditors. I've changed my phone number three times...
And my JOB...oh my god, I think I hate Byron. I asked him for the 7th and 8th off and offered to work the 4th and 5th in exchange, as he has been asking me to cover on Weds/Thurs for a few weeks now. He got mad at me and started to complain about how short staffed the grave shift is. Like that is my problem. I got invited to a wedding and I want to go. I offered to trade days with him to cover it, as we will be busier the 4th and 5th that the 7th and 8th by a long shot. Finally I just said fuck it and filled out a time exemption form. I'll take the days without pay and leave you to fuck yourself. My yearly eval was due on April 18...and here it is, three months later, and he won't do it. If I am that unimportant to the company that I don't warrent a measly 3% raise for a years time of dedication, why the hell should I come to work? I'm underappreciated. I'm Dear Fuckin Abby to him, I try to be nice and listen to him when he is bummin, but I get so sick of hearing how "this girl claims her baby is mine." If you don't want girls coming at you with shit like that...wear a damn rubber. Their like 12 for $5, I fail to see how you could not have one...my 16 year old cousin carries them in his wallet!
I got a flat tire on my way to work last friday, I called the casino and told them I was waiting for my Dad to bring me a jack so I could change it. You know what my skinny prick boss did? Wrote me up for an unexcused absense. I seriously could have just screamed. I'm tired of the people there, I hate the people who gamble, I hate the people who pay my wage, because casino customers are HELL. Impolite, constantly smoking old fogies who are angry that they threw away their Social Security checks and lost it all. I'm not there to be abused by you. I may be in a cage, but that doesn't mean all your swearing and cussing and general meaness doesn't affect or hurt my feelings.
I'm applying for a job at FYE in Bemidji. I'll lose the tax break I get from Seven Clans if I leave the casino, but then, I may just do both. Casino on the weekends, FYE on the week. I'm not sure about school anymore either. I'm really starting to loathe one of the women who works there. She's nice to me in front of the Dean, but when the Dean isn't around, she's like on a little power trip or something.
Anyway...I'm going to bed.
Sj

Posting here a tidbit of a story that a friend sent me and I am working on adding more detail to and just rounding it out a bit. Hope it is okay with everyone. It's called The City of Sorrow. About a mortal boy who wanders through another dimension into the land of the dead. What he doesn't realize is that he is a Shadow God, a person who can move through space, time and realms. I only have part of the first chapter typed up, I would finish, but I have been up for a long time and I am tired. Any feedback would be great!
In the opening, Eli is just going over the hell he went through on the Cross of Despair.
**************
The City of Sorrow
Chapter One
Where the Dead things are

My name is Eli. And I'd like to believe there is somewhere we go when we die. That's not heaven, not hell, but somewhere, so this all wasn't just for nothing. A place no living being can dream up, a place no mortal ever imagined. Well I know, I've been there. I've seen the impossible, the unbelievable, I'd been there time and time again.
I chased the violet butterfly through the razorblade rosary, and finding myself on the outside of where she told me not to wander. A graveyard, cold and sterile, the last resting place of the Gods of Death. A place where they had crossed on from the weird and backwords world.
It was wretched, thick cold fog covered the grounds, like a moldy forgotten marshmellow goop covering your favorite pan. I lived in that for years, unable to move on, trapped, stuck in it's mired hold. Unable to escape this unholy confinement. I was strapped to a lonely forgotten cross. Posted deep within the rotten dirt of this dead wasteland. Wrapped in barbed wire, pierced from dull tines, scratched, I hung, I ranted, and finally, I went silent. But I didn't bleed, and I didn't die. For seventeen long and boring months I hung in silence, hating everything that had come to pass. Bored with none but my own bitter company, crusified, Death's own Jesus Christ.
I was abandonned in a forgotten wasteland until one day a crow flew from nowhere. A single crow. I instantly thought of the old rhyme..."Seven Crows in a tree, count each one for what they be...one for sorrow..." and since I only had one crow, I could only assume sorrow was not far behind. That fowl flew from the stank and purid fog, and rested itself upon the crown of my head.
"Get off my head!" I snarled. My voice rasped from anger and disuse.
With his evil little eye fixed upon my face, he seemed to sneer back at me..."Don't count on it." His raw squawking voice grated upon my nerves like nails to a chalkboard. "What do you want?" The fowl stared down at me, poisoned in silence, after all these months, the silence would drive me mad! He hopped down along my arm and came to the cross section where I was bound, and began to pick at my binds. After just moments of picking, my bonds broke, and I was dropped like a stone into the stank water below.
"Alright wise guy, how did you do that?" I roared at the bird. I fell into two inches of water, but I was soaked. "Haha." Answered the bird. I decided to ignore the thing, and I stood, it was confusing, the standing sensation, after seventeen months of useless hanging. After all that struggle on my part to free myself, it only took one bird no more than three minutes. I sighed, standing in this inky black puddle.
The bird flew ahead of me, cawing, calling out..."The Ferry is coming!" I trotted after it, because after all, for seventeen months, I has seen not a soul until this bird. "What ferry?" And then I saw it. What appeared to be a boat drifting through the fog towards me. But when I looked again, it wasn't what I had at first assumed. Not a boat, not a flat barge, but a large black umbrella, tipped up, being pushed by what I thought a man. His face-or what he had left of it-was painted like a skull, wealding a long black oar with his battered and bloody hands. He looked like he was once in a marching band, before he got run over by some maniac Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float. Around him gathered little piles of mildew and dust. He smelled of rot, and I was loathe to him.
"Get in." He said stopping before me. His voice sounding like the rattling of bones, hissing at me. He stopped the umbrella before me, and I asked. "Why?" His horrible breathing, horrible breath again came to me..."The City is waiting." I noticed he had brown eyes. I had always thought brown eyes to mean comfort, sweetness and warmth, he may have had those somethings at some place and time. Brown eyes he possessed, it was emotion he lacked.

I'm really just frazzled and stressed lately. I skipped work last night on the excuse that I have a hurt ankle, it really is hurt, but not to the point where I need to call in, I just couldn't face the thought of another night there, I get so tired of being at the casino.
My dads birthday is on Sunday, and next week on the 22nd my mom would have had her birthday. She would have been 42, which goes to show how young she was when she died. I got a letter from my uncle in prison today, and he was ranting on and on about how his family is deserting him. I'm tired of trying to be everything for everybody dammit.
I am going to be 23 on May 11 and I feel like an old woman most days. Sometimes I just want to stop.

Go to Wikipedia.

In the search box type in the month of your birth and the date (not the year)

1) List three events that happened on the day of your birth
1310-54 members of the Knights Templar are burned at the stake in France for being heretics.
1858 - Minnesota is admitted as the 32nd U.S. state.
1960 - The first contraceptive pill is made available on the market.

2) List two “people of note” also born on the day
1957 - Peter North, Canadian porn star
1952 - Frances Fisher, English-born actress

3) List one “person of note” that died on the day
1981 - Bob Marley, Jamaican singer and musician (b. 1945)

4) List any holiday or observances
Roman Empire - Feast of the Lemures (See Larvae).
Holiday of the City of Miskolc (since 1992).
Feast day of the following saints in the Roman Catholic Church:
Saint Anthimus of Rome
Saint Mamertus, first of the Ice Saints
Saint Francis of Girolamo
Saint Gengou Gangulphus
Saint Gauthier of Esterp
Blessed John Rochester
Saint James Walworth
Saint Majolus of Cluny
Saint Odilo of Cluny
Saint Bertilla
Saint Estella
Saint Jutte Von Trotta, Duchess of Maio Naise

Here I sit
wrapped in my own cold and lonely arms
left here standin on an abyss
with no safety net to catch

a fallin star
to put in my tattered and torn pocket

here I sit
waiting in my old and lonely hell
left here waitin on a long black train
with no ticket

to board
that will take me home

I can feel it again, coming closer and closer. Two years already. It has faded from the minds of the curious nation that was spell bound by the wrath of a teenager. But it hasn't faded from mine. I can't believe this much time has already passed. I don't want to believe it. I want to curl in a ball and hide. I am tired of every thing in my life being a shit fest, my car and now my house. Moody ass teenage sister. I'm tired of being the responsible one. Tired of taking care of everyone.

For once, I wish I could have the time to take care of me.

On top of all that, I am bummed, there won't be another Countryfest Minnesota. Something about the managment or something...but it was a one time deal. boo...

I am going to make a new livejournal, since I can no longer check my messages at twilight@cbgb.net
which is the email I used to create this journal. I will probably still come and read everyone's posts here, but not for long. I am sad, as twilight was my main email that I used daily.

Here is my new livejournal account: New Livejournal

But, don't despair, I will still check in with horse_shoes now and then.

Love from Sarah

(P.S don't forget to add my new account)

I am so randomly in love with Pirates right now. I wish I was a better writer, or that I knew more about boats so that I could make a better pirate story.
Oh well...for now...here are some random quiz results.

It is so cold here, and I am sick. Miserable hacking cough like sick. Dad is in Minneapolis until I don't know when, and I am going bonkers waiting for the cold to snap. The weather and my health. I am hoping my raise came through on this check, because it is starting to annoy me now. Working for 5 months without my raise already! It was due mid July, but the paperwork wasn't done until mid August, and now it is mid September and I still haven't seen a dime of retro.
I am loving bookcrossing so much now, before I couldn't be bothered, now I go hunting for books in my bedroom that haven't been registered yet (there are a lot) and I am currently offering a RABCK to help clear my availible shelf, even if I really can't afford it. I am back in school, much to my dismay, only two classes, but the tuition is $850, I am hoping I will get some sort of scholarship to help with the costs though, otherwise I may have to charge more for the labels I make people. There was a book released in Bemidji *gasps* and I want to go hunt it down when I go back there. Here I thought I was the only BXer in this neck of the woods.
Lately all I do is sleep. Well the weather and my health that isn't surprising. Today I read a whole book! It was pretty gross too. Ugh. Right now I am in the middle of a swap making jam...I think I will make one more then hit the sack.

I am currently reading She Flies Without Wings, as part of a bookcrossing bookring. I am really enjoying it. It is taking me back to my younger years...where I was always somewhere dreamin'...

Adventures in Stallion Valley.
When I moved from Circle Pines to Little Rock as a child, I found a trail in the woods near my home, with a fell tree pointing over a deep ditch. When I think back now, I can see it as it really is, just a rotten old tree, and drain ditch and the highway not ten feet from it.
But when I was seven, I was a nameless girl, a wild girl. And I found a valley, full of horses, all kinds of horses. The lead horse was a huge horse, tall white horse named White Ranger.
I lived with the horses in the wild world of Stallion Valley. I remember all my horses, Judas, a black Roman war horse, White Wolf, a grey paint, Garrett, a off white thoroughbred, Justice, a black friesian, there were so many others too.
I remember running through the forest to reach the over look to alert the horses when there was danger near, I remember running with the herd, frolicking and galloping in the sun, sleeping huddled into groups to keep warm when there was so much snow and cold.

That was the first memory that came back to me when I was reading the words of the author. Just thought I would share something that wasn't about tragedy or something.

Well, it has been sometime since I updated everyone.
My cousin Alicia had one of her ovaries removed and now has to go through Chemo. It just makes me mad that she is only 17 and the doctor screwed up her life. As to Dr. Armstrong, I have no idea what will be done to him, I wish he would go away. My friend Jenny asked him twice now for a tubal ligation so she could stop having kids, and he wouldn't, telling her she would regret it if she did. Now she is pregnant with #4, and this one is going up for adoption.
I seen my aunt today at the post office, she was with Sydney, I cannot stand that child. I know that sounds bad, but, c'mon, if your kid has ADD, why do you constantly give her candy and pop? And, why if the doctor says the kid needs Ritalin, do you NOT give it to her? Sydney is why I do not like children, dirty, sticky, cannot sit still. I don't have the patience to be a mother.
Susan looks okay, I guess she is physically recovering well, but mentally. Oh boy, she visits the grave at least twice a day, I am not sure if that is normal or not. She is also on a antipsychotic and an antidepressant. I personally don't believe in them, I think what she needs is a good stiff drink (or twenty) and a good loud screaming cry.
As for me, I am kind of over it. I still think it is a great tragedy that we lost someone so young and in such a way that it shouldn't have happened. But, I have been through harder times, and the death of little Floyd isn't even anywhere near the wakes I have had in my time. That probably sounds really bad and horribly selfish, but it is true too. For Susan I imagine that it is a tremendous tragedy to be a major note in her life story, but merely a footnote in mine.
Val is off at camp this week and Dad and Fred are going crazy without her. I am just enjoying the fact that I don't have to be the "mother" for a while. I know it is my duty as the oldest child to take care of my siblings now that my mom is gone, but god, sometimes I think I hate that she left me to this life when she knew I had plans for myself, now I have to work to support my sisters in the manner that is befitting and put my dreams on hold or almost pause.
Other than that anger, life has been okay lately, I got my eval done at work and am doing nicely, got a 5% raise, which means I know command a whole $7.61 and hour plus .50 graveyard differential. So it is really $8.11 an hour, which isn't so bad. I get consulted alot by other managers in different departments, like needing help writing a letter of termination so that it sounds professional, or wondering what word to use and all that. So it is better than last time. Though Derrick told me Muriel might come back as the manager of the C/V department, which could mean trouble for me, since she was the reason I left last time.
About Derrick, he is my boss and also my good friend Christin's boyfriend. And last Sunday he called me "Bebs." Which is a term of endearment like "Baby" or something. That freaked me out, and I asked him not to call me that. I don't know if I over reacted or not, because this guy is my boss and involved with my really good friend, and it felt wrong to me to be called that. I was almost offended. Chris told me that "her babe" is "really flirty" and I know that. But all the same, I don't know how to react. I think I should apologize and offer an explanation as to my reaction, but I don't know how.
I have become somewhat a clothes horse of late. I got two new pairs of jeans this week, some new panties, new socks and a new black pants for work. I am in love with the jeans, the blue ones are low waist and tight in the thighs and boot cut around the feet, and they also have that used fade. The black ones have that used fade too, and are a higher waist, with sequins on the right thigh and flared at the feet. I didn't think you could find such nice jeans at Walmart.
I am in love with country music lately, I bought a Roseann Cash CD and a Hank Williams Jr CD last night. I love the song Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off, it is so funny, my sister just blushes when Bon Jovi is mentioned, she loves Jon Bon...
Okay, well that is enough for now.
Loves

I was too late again. Yesterday. Will I ever be more than a little too late?

God, I hurt. I know I don't hurt as much as Suzee and Floyd, but man, I ache for them. For the loss of a young life, one that was awaited for so long. Will I ever understand the reasoning for Dr. Armstrong, if he knew something was wrong on Wednesday, why didn't he take the baby out then, instead of waiting until Friday and doing an emergency c-section?

God I am so mad. Little Floyd was alive when he was born, but suffered a horrible short life being slowly poisoned by the placental fluid that had gotten in his lungs and swallowed. He was so beautiful, he looked just like his mother. I just want to scream, WHY? I want to hurt that damn OB until he feels as bad as I do, until he feels the wrath of everything that I am, and then face all of hell over for what he did to my aunt!

If that wasn't bad enough, the same bastard doctor two months ago delivered by c-section my cousins baby. He noticed that one of her ovaries was bigger than normal, so he sliced a piece off and did it badly so cancer cells leaked out and now she has only one ovary and may still face a total hysterectomy! This is the same guy who last week dropped a baby! I am so mad! I just don't know what to do.

The only thing keeping me from Bemidji right now besides the 100 degree heat is the fact that my car's new tire (I just bought it two months ago) is now FLAT!!! ARGH!! I am also going to cancel my job at Wefest because I am needed at the funeral. That makes me mad too, that this doctor is causing me to miss something I have looked forward too all summer. I will never blame the baby for making me miss WEfest, all the blame until the day I die will be with Dr. Armstrong.

Dr. Armstrong made me a pallbearer, not my cousin. They would have made me a Godmother, instead I will walk behind a tiny coffin, as it makes it's way to it's rest. This shouldn't have happened.

Well. Last week I got hired for Wefest in Detriot Lakes, that is over by Fargo I think, I've been through there, I think, when we went to Bismarck. It is August 3-5 (I think) and I am major excited! I need to buy a tent since I will need to camp out, as it is a lengthy drive from here to there. I bought a lightweight sleeping bag at Gander Mountain last week when I wandered to Bemidji. I went to Turtle River Golf and asked about my Countryfest check (which hadn't come in over a month with no word on why, especially since they have all my contact info.) So a spoke with Justin (the owner) and he told me that accounting was F'ing up all the paychecks from the Countryfest employees. I was told when I was hired that my pay rate was $8.50 an hour, but when I received the check it said $9 an hour. My check was drawn from Justins personal account. I don't know how to feel about that. I cashed it, but still have the money, in case they ask for it back. Otherwise it is going towards Wefest. About my Countryfest check though, how would you feel if your boss paid you from his own pocket? I wasn't sure about that. I have about $350 saved up for Wefest, and I am scared of it. I don't know how to feel about working away from home, with no safety net, alone on my own, I was okay about Countryfest because I could drive home everyday, but man, this is two and a half hours away. I guess I am really a daddies girl. I wish my sister could come with me, I am so shy that the first day of work is always painful for me. Plus all the driving, I hate to drive, I am terrified of dying in a car wreck. I hate to drive alone.
I did ask for the time off from work, I hope Byron, my boss, is going to give it to me, otherwise I will have to work out an alternative to it. I only work three days a week though, I am sure if I don't get the leave that I can rearrange my days off for the week.
On that note, my job is going okay. Just okay, I get to work the Employee Window again, on Sundays, which means I don't have to deal with pushy ass customers (I hate to have money thrown at me and all around hate working the Frontlines) I even got my own password again! :) I only worked two days this week, I called in on Friday as I was sick from the heat and my asthma.
Well, that is all for now.

Man oh man! What a weekend! Countryfest was the best damn thing that I ever experienced! True the pay sucked and my job was boring. But...come on man, free three day pass! I watched the last part of Phil Vassers set and I met him! He called me Darlin and signed some CD's for me and my sister. I bought all kinds of swag for me and my sisters. I left before Lee Ann Womack came on though, wasn't interested.
Friday I brought sunblock and fly spray with me, as well as water, and the book, so the day passed by quickly for me. I was schedualed to work a double, but Steve said I could just go home. Of course I didn't go home, as Jo Dee Messina was coming on at nine, even in the rain I wasn't going to miss that! The show was amazing! Two Thousand people on the driving range of a golf course in the pouring freezing rain, singing along to her songs. I got three autographed CD's. It was fucking awesome man. She cut her encore though as the stage was metal and the lightning was picking up. She moved the whole damn show to the Turtle Creek Saloon-the concert promoter is the owner of the golf course and the saloon. The band that was schedualed to play the after party (Telluride) parted like the Red Sea for her and handed over their equipment and she played another half hour of music for about 300 people packed into a little tent. I was 15 feet away from her in there. It was amazing. When she went into Heads Carolina-the whole crowd screamed the words right along with her. Couldn't hear her or the band, just the roar of three HUNDRED people in a tent with a 150 capicity screaming her lyrics. I bought a Bud Light (I am so not a drinker-I just bought it so the drunk rednecks wouldn't hassle me.) And I got thirsty so I drank some, ugh, that was THE WORST PISS I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY MOUTH!! I would so rather drink urine! But I saved the bottle anyway! I was a little scared driving home as there were so many state troopers around and I didn't need a breath test to show I had been drinking, the stink of beer was all over me from some dumb shithead who spilled his drink on me, so with beer, rain water and sweat, I was pretty damn rank.
Saturday brought clearer skies, with some thunder, but no rain man. No rain. It was hot as shit all day and I am totally sunburnt on my left side. I read most of a book and ate some lunch, watched my bridge and listened to the opening bands on the small stage. One of them played Copperhead Road by Steve Earle, I love that song! After 8 I volenteered to stay longer as there were three thousand people milling around I worried that we would need extra security-but again, Steve said I was free. Maybe I should stop here and make a mention of Steve. He is a State Trouper, and a fine lookin guy. Sort of like a muscular Gustavo. If you don't know who Gustavo is, man, he is a pretty boy. I kinda got a crush on him, he is definately a man's man kinda guy, when I met him, he nearly ripped my hand from my wrist when he shook my hand, now I have never had a weak handshake, but I couldn't even grip my fingers to make a decent one when he grasped my hand.
Anyway, off the subject. I went to my car and got out of my security uniform, and into my "civilian" clothes. I bought some stuff at the merch tent again, a Trace Adkins CD and a Necklace for my sister as well as a 8x10 and a slice of pizza as I was hungry. At nine when Trace was about to start, I made my way into the heart of the crowd, winding up a mere 60 feet from the stage when he came on. Oh my god, if you do not know who Trace Adkins is, FOR SHAME!! He has great music, and he is sexy as all get out. My first thought of him was just that. "Oh my god, this man is sexy as hell!" I noticed his legs first. Clad in some kind of black fabric (not wranglers unfortunately) they were SO long! The black pants clung to his legs all the way up to his thighs, and went into a sleeveless yellow button down shirt. He had short boots on and a black stetson. His long yellow/gold hiar cascaded down his shoulders onto his back in waves.
Everything in me that was female was on alert when that man came on stage-oh yeah. During the show I kept feeling my blood pressure spike when he would shake and grind those lean hips. My heart stopped beating and my blood was set to boiling when he lifted that shirt off his backside and turned around...oh yeah, I was reminded that I am a woman.
For more I will soon be publishing a new zine called From the Punters, which will feature interviews with musicians and the Essay with the same title.
Sarah

Tonight is the orientation for Countryfest!! I do realize that this will be work, but...I can't really grasp that!! It has to be better than Seven Clans right? RIGHT!! I am major hyper off something. I was holding Fred and waving his fat cat arms in the air saying "I love Kitties! I love kitties!"

Dad didn't get paid today...boo! And he was going to buy me a puppy today too, a pitbull puppiy. The pup is black with white stripes and a huge white star on the back of his neck. I decided to name him Rocky Balboa. I guess we will get him on Wednesday then.

The RAVS clinic is coming too and there is also the Youthworks camp here this week. I wonder if my grandpa has a group over at his place. Anyway, I am way too hyper to sit here and type! Ciao!

Well, guess what? I got a job at CountryFest Minnesota!! I will be working security at the festival. I need to get the time off from the casino, but I am sure it can be done. I so cannot wait to go to orientation on June 12th. It is a three hour orientation which beats the pants off the three day orientation for the casino!! I know I passed Ohsha training and I have med training and such, so I am a good hire.
Country Fest!
I am also going to apply for a job at WeFest for the August festival. I love concerts and love to have a good time at them. When I got the call today I was beyond psyched for it to happen!!

Well, I failed, like I said I would, my GPA is in the toilet. I don't want to go back, but I know I should finish what I started and go and work and correct the mistake.
I was sitting on the toilet last night (insert potty joke) thinking, and I was thinking this, life is shitty, at least to me most of the time, here I am, almost failing out of college, working a dead end job for almost no money, living with my dad because I am too broke to pay for anything that would let me live on my own, and hating everything lately because of PMS.
Then there is everything else, like my 17 year old cousin being pregnant and about to graduate high school, my 15 year old sister a high school drop out who langrishes in the house all day, and my other sister who has no motivation to do anything besides clean the house and stay in all day. I am stuck in a cycle of negativity and gloom.
Two of my friends are messed up over things that they cannot change, one wants to commit suicide and the other has attempted and been sent to a Psych hospital twice. Life is shitty girls! Theres no reason to cease existing because you don't have money or a boyfriend or whatever it is that you think is so bad in your life. There are always things that are much worse than that, like dead. Now there is a bitch. Life is a wonderful craptacular ride that you should see through to the end, even if that is 80 years down the damn road, because we know this, no matter what you believe in, this is the only shot at the ride we get. There are times when I want to throw in the towel and stick my head in the dirt, but I am not going to do that, because that is a crap shoot. There are still things that I want to accomplish and do with my life, and I know there are things that you want too.
Then there are people in my life who are making things happen, a college grad this year, and I am so proud of her, seeing my college graduate it's first class ever. There are the wonderful moments mixed in with the bad. If you only live for the bad, then you are missing all the good and wonderful. If you only live for the bad, then you fail to see what wonders are around the next corner.
There are things that will always go wrong, and sometimes that isn't what you want, but sometimes, that is the best thing for you. When something like a breakup happens, you need to learn to live for yourself, you can't please everyone all the time, sometimes you can't please anyone. Live for yourself, and please yourself, do things that make you happy, try your best to be a good person, and people will love you for it. There is more in this big crazy crappy wonderful mess we call life than just boyfriends and money. In the end, do what will make you happy, that is all I can really ask of anyone.
Ask yourself this...what will make me happy today? I know what you are thinking, and you know that won't do the trick, thats still living for others. Ask yourself lady, what will make me happy today?
What makes me happy today?

1)I woke up, and I am still here, still me, still breathing.

2)The leaves on the trees are green, the air is humid and the sounds of lawn mowers can be heard.

3) I know that no matter what, how badly I mess up, my friends and family will always be there for me.

So ask yourself, what makes me happy today?
Love always,
Sarah

You fit in with: Spiritualism Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms. 80% spiritual. 60% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Going to work tonight. Don't wanna. Got a theatre rehersal tonight.